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Cuter With My Mouth Closed
Thursday, April 08, 2004
 
You ever been in that part of a book where the storyline has gotten kind of slow. Even the best novels have there low points in the story, a lot of information but no action. That's where reading starts to become very monotonous for me, and I can't concentrate. I end up in a half conscience state and I read through an entire page and have no idea what it was about. Everyone of us has done it. Sometimes I will have too reread a page two or three times. It is a given that when things get dull I will be reading at least one paragraph five times or more.

Life's like a book right? You have pages and chapters. You come across different characters throughout. There are ups and downs as the "story of your life" develops. This is one of the reasons I believe there is a God. There is a definite order to things... a plot.

Problem is (whether you may be a Christian or not) we all write our lives for the most part. By now I am sure you have your own opinions of how I do putting pen to paper, but, when it comes to life, I think I have hit some writers block.

Better put, I have hit that page where you just keep reading it and reading it. I wish I could say that I am reflecting on my past in some attempt to better my future, but I would be more accurate to describe my state as lethargic and capitulated. I have become lazy, and it is pissing me off.

I used to feel like I was moving in a hundred different directions. And for the most part, I thought they were all positive directions. But now, I feel like I have no direction. I have no drive. "Somethings missing and I don't know why"-john mayer.

I guess now is when I am supposed to wrap this up, and hit you with a resolution to stated problem. But I don't know folks I don't really have anything. We already established that I have hit "suck mode" as a writer. It isn't like I haven't tried to get out of my rut. I have made promises to myself to get back in the grove, but I just don't have the drive for some reason.

I have prayed to God to fill my heart again, as it had been. But I guess that would be a lot like yelling at someone far away. If I am not close to him, how could he hear me? I think that is more my regret talking. God is there, but I choose not to see him. Or more not let him see me; you feel ugly when guilt has hold of you.

I would have to say that is the source of my trouble. I am not really striving to move to the next page. I have confused my frustration. I am not I upset that I am not more active, but that I am no longer the man in some image I thought that I had become. I am living in the past. The hazy reflections of our past can often render images more to our liking. We often tend to remember that which want. That is why the past is "golden" and why living in nostalgia can be so tempting.

This will be the first time I have come to a revelation after writing and not before. Wow. Writing this thought out has revealed an underlying one. I may have or may not have over come some demons this year, but I foolishly thought that my story had reached a climax. That is why I have become so complacent!

The boy who wanted to become "Superman", thought he actually had for a moment. Guess I still have more growing up to do. Truth is I have always fell short of my image of the Superman. That is what made me keep trying. It would stand to reason that I would only give up cause I thought I couldn't get there (since I had already been).

So I guess I will keep trying to be my "Superman", or, more accurate as to my new faith, I will start trying to be like Jesus. Maybe I will get out of this rut with His help. I have to humble myself again and get rid of any image of myself. The man I was born into could never live up to any image I have...

I need to die, or he will never have room to live in me.

"I want all I am to die, so all he is to come alive in me. ... This is all I want to be. I want to be mistaken for JESUS." -Warren Barfield




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