Cuter With My Mouth Closed
Sunday, May 02, 2004
I began to post today because I had an idea of a post about people and how we interact with them in our life. And it hit me....
Why to write such... obvious ... things? I mean really. I have no right to be writing. (thats really sounds funny in my head for some reason)
I took a flying leap away from a journal a long time ago. This has never been the story of my life by any means. I have failed to put any twist on my perspective of life that makes it different from anyone elses. I therefore find no reason for me to sustain this blog page.
I haven't written in a long time, and I am pretty sure I freaked out the audience I did have with that last bit about me being "Super-man". (I will abmit that this had a very 'Brandon' slant on life, but the rantings of depressed teens have been heard waaay to much). So this is a good-bye. A real one this time.
I may still write "something" with my friend Ben. But I don't think I will write on this site again. All insights into myself or into the world will have to be directed elsewhere. The journal I started through another service has one post, and will stay that way.
I hope a little of myself came out in what I wrote. I have always had something to say, but wheather is was important or not I don't know. I will leave that up to you to read into yourself. So good-bye. I hope you enjoyed reading what I had to say. It was fun.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
You ever been in that part of a book where the storyline has gotten kind of slow. Even the best novels have there low points in the story, a lot of information but no action. That's where reading starts to become very monotonous for me, and I can't concentrate. I end up in a half conscience state and I read through an entire page and have no idea what it was about. Everyone of us has done it. Sometimes I will have too reread a page two or three times. It is a given that when things get dull I will be reading at least one paragraph five times or more.
Life's like a book right? You have pages and chapters. You come across different characters throughout. There are ups and downs as the "story of your life" develops. This is one of the reasons I believe there is a God. There is a definite order to things... a plot.
Problem is (whether you may be a Christian or not) we all write our lives for the most part. By now I am sure you have your own opinions of how I do putting pen to paper, but, when it comes to life, I think I have hit some writers block.
Better put, I have hit that page where you just keep reading it and reading it. I wish I could say that I am reflecting on my past in some attempt to better my future, but I would be more accurate to describe my state as lethargic and capitulated. I have become lazy, and it is pissing me off.
I used to feel like I was moving in a hundred different directions. And for the most part, I thought they were all positive directions. But now, I feel like I have no direction. I have no drive. "Somethings missing and I don't know why"-john mayer.
I guess now is when I am supposed to wrap this up, and hit you with a resolution to stated problem. But I don't know folks I don't really have anything. We already established that I have hit "suck mode" as a writer. It isn't like I haven't tried to get out of my rut. I have made promises to myself to get back in the grove, but I just don't have the drive for some reason.
I have prayed to God to fill my heart again, as it had been. But I guess that would be a lot like yelling at someone far away. If I am not close to him, how could he hear me? I think that is more my regret talking. God is there, but I choose not to see him. Or more not let him see me; you feel ugly when guilt has hold of you.
I would have to say that is the source of my trouble. I am not really striving to move to the next page. I have confused my frustration. I am not I upset that I am not more active, but that I am no longer the man in some image I thought that I had become. I am living in the past. The hazy reflections of our past can often render images more to our liking. We often tend to remember that which want. That is why the past is "golden" and why living in nostalgia can be so tempting.
This will be the first time I have come to a revelation after writing and not before. Wow. Writing this thought out has revealed an underlying one. I may have or may not have over come some demons this year, but I foolishly thought that my story had reached a climax. That is why I have become so complacent!
The boy who wanted to become "Superman", thought he actually had for a moment. Guess I still have more growing up to do. Truth is I have always fell short of my image of the Superman. That is what made me keep trying. It would stand to reason that I would only give up cause I thought I couldn't get there (since I had already been).
So I guess I will keep trying to be my "Superman", or, more accurate as to my new faith, I will start trying to be like Jesus. Maybe I will get out of this rut with His help. I have to humble myself again and get rid of any image of myself. The man I was born into could never live up to any image I have...
I need to die, or he will never have room to live in me.
"I want all I am to die, so all he is to come alive in me. ... This is all I want to be. I want to be mistaken for JESUS." -Warren Barfield
Friday, April 02, 2004
So I am going to start writing again. I don't know what or when, but me and Ben aren't getting are acts together like I thought. I was excited about doing the writing thing with Ben, and it looks like I said good bye prematurely. He has said goodbye to his site and and so has Chuck (Chase to you ladies) for some odd reason. I think I am the only one left!! Abby doesn't have much going on at her page either. Abby was really never a big writer to start with; I think she has like four posts. I don't know if she is going to keep writing, but I figure they seem a bit outside of what anyone not in our group of friends would want so I removed her link. Katie's link is gone too, even though she hasn't said she is going to stop writing. But since she didn't start!!!! Haha.
But I will keep writing!
(this when it is nice not having an unaudiable audience. when i write that and don't hear a cheer, I can assume you are excited anyway. even though it is probably far from the case.)
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
This is goodbye. I am picking up my bags and moving to a new online home with my friend Ben (details to follow). So enjoy my last post....
Well, as usually, I am facing a ton of homework today, and, instead of doing it, I have opted to write a post. Aren't I funny?
I have really jumped right back into the water after that oh to short break. A computer science project and a current event presentation due Friday. An chemistry exam next Monday. And a physics exam Tuesday. This is a lot! Trust me.
How am I supposed to enjoy the John Mayer concert tomorrow. That's right, tomorrow I finally get to see JM in concert. weeeeeee
But enough about my near future (or near death depending how these exams go), I know everyone is anxious for a spring break recap! Well, first off, I was right that the whole working over break wasn't a bright idea. Three days gone! I was working all day and dog tiered at night, so no fun with friends (sadness).
But when I was with my friends it was a blast! I missed them. Except for an incidence on the pool table and waking up in bed the next morning, it was fun. Actually, I wouldn't call being jumped on by a big, furry, naked Ryan an incidence, more like an eternal scare in my memory.... I am going to need a moment.
Ok... I think I am good now. So I will have to say that I didn't study as much or sleep as much as I needed. I definitly didn't get to party as much as I wanted. All in all though I had a good break. With a great ending!!
I got to hang out with a certain someone. We found out on Saturday we liked each other.
Why Saturday!!! The last day! Still...good to find out. hehe
So at the very least I am happy with that situation. Who cares if it is cold at Purdue and I have a ton of work, I have someone to look forward to seeing this summer besides my sweaty old friends. Not that you guys aren't cool, but Mallory is a lot cuter. And less fuzzy.... Ryan.
Well, this is the end folks. But my fun filled anecdotes and thoughts will continue once me and ben yet our acts together.
Song of the day!: You can find some way to listen to it. I don't want to know how! (Downloading is illegal you know (wink, wink))
Today's song is...
Machelle Branch, "Goodbye to You"
Friday, March 12, 2004
This is just not fair!! This has happened every time I have been home. I finally have time to be lazy and chill infront of the "tub", but NOOOO!
Smallville is a re-run this week. (sadness). True this is an episode where Lana is up for a little skinnie dipping (happiness), but I have already seen the episode. In other words, they don't show much skin.
Hey, I may be Christian, but I am a guy too. Kristin Kruek is hot! Half the guys that watch the show only started because of her. hehe
You may be thinking, "How sad. He is writing a post about a show on T.V.". Well, it probably is, and I am. But it is just a cool show. Have you seen it!
In truth, I didn't know what to write about, but I had to write something. I am off to Spring Break, and off the computer for a week. Now I know that it upsets you (sadness), but you will just have to pull through without me.
I am off to Kentucky tommorrow! I am going to be working with my buddy Ben over the break. Fun, but I think I forgot what the word "break" means. I am going to get the most out of my break though. I am going to hang with my friend and visit some old ones. "I am coming hubby!!" (inside thing, and hubby is a girl so stop what you were thinking).
You know I have a friend that is going to build houses for the homeless in Neon, Kentucky over the break. wo. I was impressed. Then again it is break and fun should be all that is on the brain.
Watch out fun here I come! (as fun runs away in fear of the scary kid in the Purdue hat)
Song: Download Maroon 5, "Sunday Mornings" Jacki
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Ok, so that fuzz from my belly-button is lint. Right??
(A different glimpse into my mind)
Scary, isn't it?
Monday, March 08, 2004
I am a little busy this week, running around preparing for Spring Break. OH Yea!!
But I am going to try and leave a quick post. I have been posting these long and heavy posts lately. They have been less personal then I wanted this site to be, and they are definitely preachy. I thought I would try and break that trend.
I have had writer's block this week. A state, I believe, pre-Spring Break is responsible for. Not that I am a writer, I think I am more a "doodler of words". But whatever I am, I am in a rut. That is I was.
My friends have inspired me. I was reading my comments (thanks guys!!!!), and I was thinking how nice of them to take the time to write me a comment.
How do you measure love?? I think I measure the love in my life by the time people spend or are willing to spend on me. Time is probably the most valuable thing a person has. You only have so much, and you can never get anymore.
Unless of course, you find some way to build a device to travel through time, a "time machine" if you will. But if you can figure out how to get that darn flux capacitor to work, be my guest! Otherwise, time is a pretty set deal.
When someone gives you there time it is a gift. Whether it is baking a batch of cookies, putting their homework aside to talk on AIM, or just watching a movie together. Giving time can mean a lot.
So thanks for all the time everyone!!!